“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
