“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
mariah carrie
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”