Why is this me 😫
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[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
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