Why is this me 😫
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Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”