Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
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Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I ate everything, including the H.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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