Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
This is my emotional support knife.
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.