Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

forgive me baja for i have blast

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

This is so me 😂😂

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:

“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”

“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”

“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”

“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.