Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

ㅤ

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

They must have gotten it to go.

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…