WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.