WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
🤝
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.