Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
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If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Cashier: “Have a great day!”
Me: “No thank you.”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
me hooking up with my ex
philosophical skeletons be like
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number