“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
You Might Also Like
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card