them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.