Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
You Might Also Like
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
this article brought to you by lions
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write