Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone

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I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.


HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.


[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not


the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u


I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction


4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true


My phone number is one digit off from a local restaurant’s. When I’m in a bad mood, I’ll take reservations.


If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around – start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.


Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.


*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”