@HereComesCunty

Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone

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@sublyfe2015

My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter… So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.

@yonewt

Just figured out what “CW” means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.

@TheAlexNevil

Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?

@Jamberee13

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

@randomnloveit

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

@tastefactory

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

@envydatropic

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

@daemonic3

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

@DeepDarkFear

“Hate it when I think of her and suddenly we’re teleported to a picturesque location, and have to dance to a random love song.” – Indians

@The_JRM

The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I’m in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.