My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
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December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
stop
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”