@HereComesCunty

Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone

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@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@flashember

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

@3sunzzz

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

@iamspacegirl

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic

@2sassymom

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.

@AntozWolf

Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.

@SteveKoehler22

One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@gianni_bcn

If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.