Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone

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My mom handed me her phone to find me on Twitter… So I deleted her account, uninstalled the app, and told her it went out of business.


Just figured out what “CW” means so now I have to re-read all of Twitter.


Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?


Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc


If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.


BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.


I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor


Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato


“Hate it when I think of her and suddenly we’re teleported to a picturesque location, and have to dance to a random love song.” – Indians


The main reason I tell my daughter that beauty is on the inside is because I’m in charge of her ponytail in the mornings.