Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
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Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.