“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
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It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*