“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”