“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.