“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
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[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Make new friends? bro out of what?
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!