Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

Finally, an instrument I can play!

IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying