Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Me, dating.

Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.

Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

Living the best life.. 😊

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

*updates tinder bio*

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.

Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?

Livid.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

ㅤ

Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.