Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.