Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I’ve been lied to my entire life
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
what
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.