Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
As the Lord intended
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.