Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

Best spoiler warning ever

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

Beware…..

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf