Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

you gotta be faster