Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
🤣dope
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?