*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
You Might Also Like
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.