@knot_eye

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

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@macchiatonumb

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

@TheHyyyype

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

@XplodingUnicorn

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

@KrangTNelson

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

@GrantTanaka

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

@schumoo

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

@onion_an

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

@Ivsy01

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.