Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
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My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
I hate everything
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days