Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared

You deplete me

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

Mormon cats have 9 wives.