Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Incredible customer service.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using