Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I’m not average. I’m mean.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room