Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
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me before I type out affect or effect
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Expect the unexporcupine.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️