Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
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Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
and now we wait
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
British websites use biscuits.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.