Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off