Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
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Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words