why isn’t he texting back
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I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Care for your back
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.