why isn’t he texting back
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.