Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice