Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
You Might Also Like
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
When you let grandma cat sit
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
These work great until they don’t.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.