Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
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Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.