Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

[Honest banana advertisement]

Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.