Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
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All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Important reminders
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door