Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Oh, I bet you would be
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.