Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

📽️movie date🎞️

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.

A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem