Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thursday

It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings

boss: what time can you be here

me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now

boss: we’re short staffed today

me: i’m getting seized

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord

me: I just want some nuggets man

cfa employee: I Would Die For You

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]