WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
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When ur friends with white people
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My what?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women