Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

[during a plane crash]

Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.