Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Ad placement of the day

#ooh

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer

me: it’s off the table

agent: {muffled} ..what about the second

me: also off the table

agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then

me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

Me: *singing*

Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”

He was driving.

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans