Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
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April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.