Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you