why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m not sorry.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.