@McGrumpenstein

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

- @McGrumpenstein

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@Lama911

Runs away from you…

Looks back to laugh at you…

Runs into pole.

@BatmanOffDuty

One day I bet bullets will be replaced by flowers, and guns will probably be replaced by something that fires flowers with deadly force.

@BoozyMusic

My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: I heard glasses make you look smart.
FRIEND: That’s true.
[LATER ON A DATE]
DATE: Hi.
ME: (wearing 20 pairs of glasses) Who said that?

@NewDadNotes

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

@MichaelTrying

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

@goodbeanalt

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

@sarcasticmommy4

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!