Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
this is your brain
*points to egg*
but this is your brain ON DRUGS
*puts egg on pile of drugs*
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….
Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense