@McGrumpenstein

why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics

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@EndhooS

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

@mom_ontherocks

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

@BlackCheesePie

this is your brain

*points to egg*

but this is your brain ON DRUGS

*puts egg on pile of drugs*

@ShesARealGenius

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

@UncleDuke1969

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

@NotBachibawlz

Someday astronauts will land on the sun ….

Im hoping they’re smart enough to do this at nighttime when it’s not as hot

@funflaps

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

@prontopup

What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

@MelvinofYork

If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense