Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth