Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.