Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
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People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.