Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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choose your fighter
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats