Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.