Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
You Might Also Like
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.