Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden