Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Trains are just sideway elevators.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

there has never been a better use of this meme

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

who called it hell and not heaven’t

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.