Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks