Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.